Instant gratification on my head

Posted on | December 22, 2009 10 Comments | e-mail | print

Oh hey what up. So yesterday I got a bug up my butt about fixing my hair. Ever since I turned 30 it’s like my whole body, hair included, just threw up its hands and went Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me.

Well, guess what, hair? You most certainly will. I’m the one with the opposable thumbs. You are merely dead cells growing out of my head.

So. Here’s what I had. A million silvery threads, and too heavy in the front.

Also a bathrobe, very important for the “before” photo.

Now. Normal people would pick up the phone and say, “Regular Stylist? I wish to make an appointment.” But me, I have no regular stylist, and also, pffft. In the words of Dwight Schrute, I can, and do, cut my own hair.

So off I trotted to the Rite Aid for styling scissors and brunette-in-a-bottle. I had determined that what I needed was bangs and a shiny dye job, so bangs and a shiny dye job I would have.

Now, even I know that you can’t just start hacking away. You have to have finesse. You have to have a plan. And blunt cuts should only be performed by trained professionals in controlled conditions.

It was time for research. So I googled “japanese hairstyle” although I’m not sure why. How did my brain know that? I must have read that somewhere. Anyway. Beauty-box.jp. All the japanese hairstyle a white girl in Pennsylvania needs.

Visuals: check. Now for technique. I spent some quality time on YouTube, watching (and dancing to) this video recommended by Buttons Magee. I also studied How to Cut Side Bangs Like Hanh. And then I took a break and listened to Pomplamoose cover Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’.

Thus fortified, I was ready to go in for the kill, armed with drugstore barber shears and a razor comb. I wetted and parted my hair from ear to ear, a little in front of the midline, and chopped about seven inches off with the scissors. Then I switched to the razor comb and razored on a downward angle, working from left to righ, making sure never to cut shorter than the tip of my nose. The razor comb keeps the edges uneven — in a good way — and disguises mistakes.

Next time, though, I’m going to leave the pieces on the side much longer, to better blend into the rest of my hair, and when I draw the part I’ll bring it much closer to my forehead. Thick hair + thick bangs = silly.

So bam! Hair cut. I let the rest of my ends be; bangs are one thing, but I have a head full of curly layers and wasn’t quite ready for that leap yet. The next step is to disrobe and bust out the Lady Clairol.

*home hair dyeing intermission*

(I have no tips for you here. Just, you know, stay natural and try not to get it all the fuck over the place like I always do.)

I used that Couleur Experte, with its highlighting packettes and haircoloeur bottelles and other stupidly-faux-French named ingredients. It is a nice improvement over the gray, though my highlighting placement could use a little practice.

And also maybe my posing skills.

Then I went to sleep with damp hair and woke up and ran a flatiron through my new bangs and tried to take a picture that didn’t make me look like a monkey’s back end. dedxzzzzaQ

It took a P.G. Wodehouse novel and copious amounts of iPhoto abuse.

And anyway, here it is, my new home haircut, looking pretty good in photos, maybe less so in real life, but you’re the Internet, so you don’t know any better.

Neener!

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