Tripping sensuously over my pants
… to steal a line from New Zealand’s fourth most popular digi-folk paradists.
Hee. But seriously, though. Evidently I have finally lost the baby weight, because my jeans from last fall — a size 4 Old Navy abomination of denim — are falling right off my hips. I have to hold them up with one hand when I’m out shopping. But pushing the stroller and holding on to Owen leaves no hands left to hold up my pants, so my quest for Mom Jeans begins anew.
I dragged both boys throughout Ross Park Mall yesterday, hissing at Cormac not to touch things and explaining ad nauseum to Owen everything about everything. (“Why is that man—”) It was not a good scene. After three hours and a side trip to Plato’s Closet, I had tried on at least 15 pairs. And I figured out the problem: you never know what will happen to your jeans once you get them home. If you wash them, they shrink up to your calves. If you wear them, they start to droop and bag. Unless you count on them shrinking or drooping and they refuse to do either, leaving you with an expensive pair of pants that didn’t fit in the dressing room and don’t fit you now.
I went so far as to quiz the Gap clerk on shrink factors and inseam lengths. I need a 30.5” or a 31” inseam. My choices are a 30” inseam or a 32” inseam. The shrink factor, she said, was a quarter to a half an inch. If I get the 30” they will shrink a half an inch and leave me high and dry, but if I get the 32” they will shrink a scant quarter inch and leave me swimming. And my sewing machine is in storage, so they have to fit right off the bat — I can’t hem them myself.
I know this is high drama, and that you are on the edge of your seat, but come on. I’ve been on this planet for nearly 29 years (tomorrow!) and I have yet to find a pair of jeans to fit.
But I do have this little nugget to pass on: If you go to Plato’s Closet, there’s a kindly old man working there who will humor your children, and also the Citizens of Humanity jeans are only $45. They don’t fit me, either, but I figure somebody out there should benefit from my trials.
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oh my missing two posts and then being able to read them BOTH!!! made my day. i feel you on the jeans problemo. my prob? i need a long, but sometimes they are a big too long, but the regs are def too short. i am a larger lady and i find jeans that only come up to half buttcrack and i think… people’s hips are HERE?! i know this sounds crazy but i’ve found that delias jeans are perfect. crazy that that tweenybopper too trendy for life store has something good about it, but believe me… go try them on if you have one by you. they come in short, reg, and long. i promise you’ll love it
Hear, hear! I love Plato’s Closet.
I just learned about myshape.com, which, once you put in an exhausting array of measurements, should recommend perfectly fitting clothes.
I am rather impressed that you’ve had 2 babies and can still fit in a size 4…and I hate you for the same reason.
I agree with myshape.com
They have great stuff and have become one of the first places I’ll look for things. Pricy, but if you wear it quite a bit it is totally worth it!
How cool are Flight of the Conchords? Being an Australian I have a cultural obligation to laugh at Kiwis (and I am secretly a little bit in love with those two). Personally, I’m waiting for the blog post with a title from “If you’re into it”.
Just thinking about buying jeans makes me want to cry (and not in a good way).
Oh, and happy birthday for tomorrow!!
Two quick things:
1. You used the phrases “size 4” and “baggy” and “baby weight” in the same sentence group. Being a dude, I don’t care, but your readers know what state you live in. Time for witness protection.
2. They make these shoes now, with different-sized things under the back of your foot. I think they’re called “heels” which is short for something but I don’t know what. They seem to range in height from an IKEA-friendly 3/4” to a “where’s my wheelchair again?” 6”+. I don’t know much about them, but it seems like they might be a solution to your pantleg-dragging woes. I’m sure you could google it or something
Oh yeah, and happy two-kids-skinny-ass birthday. Have some cheese and crackers and extend your middle finger to the Northwest for me
Happy Birthday Chica!
I also hate the fact that jeans sizes lie. I lost weight this past spring and was thrilled when I dropped a pants size. I went shopping. I bought two different styles (same brand) in the same size. They both fit in the store. One now fits for a total of 10 minutes out of the dryer, then they sag and bag the rest of the day. The other pair makes me feel as though I’m always having a fat day - they’re too tight in the tummy and rump areas.
So, I decided I need new jeans. I search other brands - in the same size as I mentioned above. I tried them on, and it turns out I have dropped another pants size. (this was told to me by two seperate brands this time) The scale told me I had not changed at all during this time. I bought two pair and I’m relatively happy - but the tight ones from brand #1 are still a bit too snug - and a size larger. Why can’t they make it easy on us??
sigh
you had me at ‘ross park mall’.
ACK!
unless going to chick fil A
then yum.
Happy birthday…I can’t believe you even got two pairs tried on with two kids…my one prevents me from doing anything. He tried to eat a patent leather high heel the other day…he’s a toddler, not a gummy baby…silly.
I’m glad things are changed in a good way — y’all deserve it.
you guys understand!
Also, vanity sizing can kiss my ass.
ok,once I read that your MATERNITY pants were a size 4, I had to stop reading, lol
Not maternity pants! Just regular pants. And it’s only because clothing companies keep screwing with their sizing. Well, and it has a little to do with this awesome chronic disease I’ve got going on. Woo hoo!