I need a week in the woods

I also need to throw away my television.

This week I have given up caffeine and made a deliberate change for the better in terms of my diet (meeting the RDA for fruits and veggies several days going!). But I still feel anxious and overwhelmed. I still worry about chemicals leaching out of the bottles and cups I use to feed my children and I worry about the mental and neurological impact of all that football and commercials on my kids’ growing brains and I worry about this burning face rash that I still have and whether it was the antibiotic after all, or maybe it was something I ate, and if so, then what?

As I was explaining to my friend Matt, the anxiety is so crippling because every single decision I make has the potential to be dangerous, or deadly. Letting your kid chew on a toy? Could be setting him up for deadly levels of lead exposure. Eating that banana? What if that’s my trigger food? What if the next banana I eat sends me into anaphylactic shock? Owen took a nap this afternoon, which is unusual — maybe he has mumps! Or lead poisoning! Does the fact that he has several imaginary friends mean he is heading down a path of mental instability? Should I be getting him checked out? Should I be cleaning the bathroom to get rid of the mold, which is a potential allergen, or looking for bathroom cleaners which are not full of toxic chemicals?

Living and parenting in modern society is enough to knot my knickers to the point of paralysis. I’m still waiting for the hysteria to pass. Coping mechanisms welcome.

November 26, 2007 | Filed Under neuroses

Comments

16 Responses to “I need a week in the woods”

LetterB on November 26th, 2007 11:44 pm

I try to talk to myself as I would to a good friend and use techniques I learned in therapy (mostly related to control issues that are the fuel for my anxiety). When that doesn’t work I call my old therapist and talk it through with her. That’s rare these days, but it’s comforting to know that she is there if I need her. Therapy really helped me. (She was an MSW so was not able to prescribe meds. That said, I would have taken them in a heartbeat if she could have. I really believe that they work.)

I am similar to you in that it comes in cycles. I have really bad days and I just have to get through them. I have the same fears about plastic, dying during the day and mold/chemicals fwiw. (My latest is air quality in the house because of the wood stove.) When the fears crop up I tell myself it’s the anxiety talking and try not to get sucked into the mental death spiral. It works most of the time.
apples on a stick on November 27th, 2007 12:20 am

Hi, first time commenter. I found your blog a while ago and started subscribing to the feed.

I can’t help but wonder if all the anxiety you are describing is a symptom of post-partum depression?? I know before I read about DYM’s account with PPD I thought it was all about not wanting your baby and hiding in a dark closet. I have since learned that anxiety is a big time sign.

Anyhoo, I really enjoy your blog and your craftiness and I hope you find something that helps you feel better.
stephanie on November 27th, 2007 9:17 am

One little thing to do would be to get an epi pen. They will prescribe one if you just had a serious reaction and then you will never have to worry. (you will have to remember to bring it with you but you could sew up some cute holder in a jiffy. )

My son had an anaphylactic reaction this summer and his epi stopped it cold.

I am in awe of your fruit & veggie victories. Good for you!!! I should try that.
Beth on November 27th, 2007 9:34 am

OK, not for the religious aspects but I saw someone recommend “Buddhism for Mothers” a couple of months ago and got it at the library. It’s now dreadfully overdue and on my Christmas list… Some good, calming ideas to reign in the chaos of mothering today.
seadragon on November 27th, 2007 9:47 am

Does it help to think about your own childhood? That is, do you think you narrowly escaped death and trauma (in the form of mold and bananas) at every turn? I’m thinking that if you feel like YOU were more resilient growing up, that you’ll be more willing to accept that your kids are (and that you are too).

Also, keep in mind that the human body is designed to live in this world and confront all these otherwise potentially harmful things. And it’s designed to get sick in order to fight them sometimes, rather than just completely break down. (I know that probably doesn’t seem true after your recent hospitalization, but it is true - most of us fight infections and illnesses but without ending up in the hospital.)

And don’t worry about modern society right now, because modern society is a blip in the larger scheme of things. I know this is hard to do because being pregnant, I am trying to be cautious of all the things my parents and aunts and grandmother never worried about. They always point out that their children turned out “just fine”, and while I agree that that’s true, it’s still really hard to do things that we now know are risks to the fetus! But I do try to relax and remember that if I hadn’t read all this scary stuff on the internet, and if I hadn’t let my mind wander through the scary stories I have heard and all the possible things that could go wrong, that all is going along fine. And worrying about it doesn’t prevent them from happening, it’s just that the majority of the time, these things don’t happen. So I need to relax and let myself realize that “normal” is called that for a reason - it’s what the great majority of the population experience.
binkytown on November 27th, 2007 10:53 am

I also love Buddhism for Mothers but honey, call your Doctor and get yourself some meds. You don’t have to be on them forever and you don’t have to take a high dose. I know some people are very opposed to them, and if you are, then I won’t try to change your mind, but there is no shame in it. A new mother’s hormones can be out of control. They won’t make you numb, they just will help you eat the banana and not freak about it.

I don’t mean to lecture you or tell you what to do, I’ve just been there and I hate to see someone else go through it. The meds helped me A LOT. I hope you feel better soon.
Ellen on November 27th, 2007 12:56 pm

Fish oil or flaxseed oil capsules every day! Double the dose if you need to, but I read about Moxie’s experience with it and then had some other friends swear by the mood-balancing/PPD-ending/general goodness effects of it. I have seen a real difference in my anxiety level and mood, plus it’s great for the babies.
Keely on November 27th, 2007 3:53 pm

Whew! I’ve been out of blog land (except for my daily postings this month) for a while and I’ve missed tons! I hope you’re feeling better. My coping is just taking time to breathe. I frequently forget ever since we brought Zoe home.
Elizabeth on November 27th, 2007 4:33 pm

After wandering around the internet for awhile, I’m back to say that I am currently of the “it could be worse” camp (and yes, it’s out in the woods, feel free to join me). We’re doing the organics, getting rid of plastics, blah blah, but man, sometimes I’d like to take the easy way out. But, one step at a time! So, the kids get the best of it and I’m a distant second (as evidenced by my diet, heavy on the caffeinated soda pop and potato chips, that I consumed yesterday).
Meds definitely got rid of my anxiety, but now I’m my own brand of crazy (probably having “normal” mood-swings now) and I find myself and my one-handed typing mildly amusing. Also, it helps me to be able to deal with all the other things that need my attention besides my crazy musings.

So, Ive come all the way to this last paragraph to say: you’ve come a long way since the password protected posts and getting all this input and feedback and knowing you’re not alone (and you’re still funny in the midst of all this) is such an awesome way to cope in and of itself!
I hope things start to sort themselves out, one little baby step at a time. You can do it. (and also: “follow your dreams!”)
Chair on November 27th, 2007 4:41 pm

I’m too tired to worry. Which is now worrying me.

I need a nap.
Matt on November 27th, 2007 6:54 pm

[quote comment=”36937”] Does it help to think about your own childhood? That is, do you think you narrowly escaped death and trauma (in the form of mold and bananas) at every turn? I’m thinking that if you feel like YOU were more resilient growing up, that you’ll be more willing to accept that your kids are (and that you are too).

[/quote]
A-@#$%ing-men. When the men and women who got us to the moon were being taught about mercury, they MIGHT have been encouraged to WEAR A GLOVE while poking a bowl full of it with their finger. Now, if you break a traditional thermometer in a school, they evacuate the building.

Furthermore, by allowing your dirty dishes to fester, you are helping your boys to grow healthy immune systems. When they go out into the world they will not be floored by a bug that never would see the light of day in a perfectly bleached household. Ask your husband’s elementary-teaching friends who gets sick more often: the ones whose mommies have no fewer than six different brightly-colored vinyl jars of cleaning and sanitizing wipes, or the ones who wash ‘em up with hot water and soap, and clean house once a week.

Point the second: Nobody ever wrote the book “Broadband Googling Your Way to Better Mental Health: Lowering Stress and Finding Peace through Instantaneous Visual Processing of Infinite Negative Consequences.”

…as a matter of fact, we should write it. Maybe we could get Cory Doctorow to write the foreword…the guy from XKCD to do illustrations…

Gotta go. Work to do. Call me.
supa on November 27th, 2007 8:30 pm

you all are making me cry. In a very good way.

[quote comment=”36957”]Point the second: Nobody ever wrote the book “Broadband Googling Your Way to Better Mental Health: Lowering Stress and Finding Peace through Instantaneous Visual Processing of Infinite Negative Consequences.”

…as a matter of fact, we should write it. Maybe we could get Cory Doctorow to write the foreword…the guy from XKCD to do illustrations…[/quote]

You are ON.
Daisy on November 27th, 2007 9:34 pm

I feel less anxious just reading the comments…I hope you do, too! (And I’m waiting for that Broadband Googling book to reach the shelves!)
Matt on November 27th, 2007 10:21 pm

Alicia’s response to my book title: “I think your title is the book, honey.”

F*ck it, it worked for The Gift. Everybody give me forty dollars!
otter on November 28th, 2007 3:13 pm

Different things work for different people—for me, when I wasn’t getting enough (i.e., hardly any) sleep, I lost all perspective on EVERYTHING. I was nuts, could tell that I was nuts, but I just couldn’t fix it. So my two cents: keep eating those veggies and get some sleep (easier said than done, I know! stupid otters, always giving useless advice :~).
HVM on November 28th, 2007 9:21 pm

i’m finding myself in the ‘what caused my kid’s autism’ spiral lately, which is similar to your spiral, although not the same, but it helps me to get back on the ‘what can i do to get him out’ train, headed west at a good clip. that’s a long route, just like the rid your house of plastics/save your kid from advertising/don’t ever feed them chemicals, etc rail, but you have to take it, at least i do, so one foot in front of the other, you know?

nice tall glass o’ wine, too. works for me.