“Not buying what you’re selling” feminism
Posted on | May 4, 2006 20 Comments | e-mail | print
I am a-quiver with righteous indignation. Honestly, if you’re not reading “Perfect Madness” — well, there is no if. Get it. Read it.
More than just motherhood today, it’s about the toxic culture of America today. Anorexia, bulimia, “choice,” abortion, college, looking hot — for young women today our entire realms of experience are so narrowly inwardly focused. The pressure and quest for perfection. Sublimating everything to be perfect, to be attractive, to be willing and adept sexual objects, to exercise control over the most personal of things — your person. To be intelligent, to be successful, to be beautiful, to have white teeth, to have glowing skin, flat stomachs, rounded breasts, smooth hairless legs, glossy hair. To be “strong” and fit and flawless. To have a good job, a good husband, good children, a nice wardrobe, a nice car, nice things. To have a perfectly clean and perfectly updated house. To have well-behaved drool-free pets. To have no body hair. To have perfectly arched eyebrows, a healthy bank account, to be well-read. To not fail. To never falter. To take the sins of the world upon our backs. To be upon our backs to take the sins of the world.
To say yes. To say “OK”. To say “Whatever you want, I don’t care, do with me what you will.” To accept lower wages, buyouts, reduced healthcare plans, substandard yet expensive child care, to make the nanny happy, to make the husband happy, to make your children happy, to make your boss happy, to make the stranger on the street happy to look at you. To smile. To hold it in. To suck it in. Only to let it out when nobody is watching, nobody is listening.
This is fucking psycho, people. We need to be allowed to take up space. We need to demand to take up space. We need to be fully flawed people. We should be content with normal grooming and hygiene. We need to be able to say, Fuck you. We need to be able to say, This isn’t working, I want my money back. We need to be able to say, I want. I need. I expect. I deserve.
Fucking toxic culture, people. It’s turned every problem we have as a culture, as a class, as a gender, as a nation, inward on ourselves. Micromanaging our loss of control and our fear into highlights and salad.
We need to mobilize. We need to fucking scare the shit out of Congress. We need to lay down our flattening irons and take up arms, metaphorically speaking.
If you get raped, it’s not your fault. If you have sex, you don’t deserve punishment. If you get pregnant, you don’t deserve to be hung out to dry — the same people pushing to eliminate abortion ought to be pushing for a male birth control pill, for accountability, for women as people.
It’s a subtle problem, this toxicity. It seems like it’s just the way things are. We are fed lies through one ear — through the media, through Hollywood, through our own politicians and families and friends — and we believe it. We believe we have made choices and must accept the consequences — I “chose” to get pregnant, to keep the baby, to buy a house, to get married, to work part-time — therefore I deserve skyrocketing housing prices, tax rates, health-care costs. It’s not America’s fault I can’t pay my mortgage or my rent — It’s not America’s fault I want to spend time with my baby — it’s not America’s fault I can’t pay for groceries on what I make working part-time, because I chose that.
But on some level it is America’s fault. More and more resources are being snipped and yanked from under our feet. We have no support systems, because we must go where the jobs are — everything is all connected. Deregulation. Capitalism, the Bush Administration, cronyism, the oil industry, big business, corporate life. Money. Power.
The middle-class is suffocating and we are not demanding back what we have lost. Women are asphyxiating, metaphorically, under the increasing weight to keep control, being told we have all these choices and if they don’t pan out, we must have chosen wrong. We aren’t turning to the government and demanding tax hikes which will go toward the greater good, rather than tax cuts for the wealthy that result in ever more social programs and resources and support networks and money for schools being cut.
It seems like things will never change. The government will push and push and take and take and we will continue to shake, wide-eyed, wondering how we will survive.
The “Mommy wars” and all these books about motherhood focus on a different class of people than the one I belong to. I don’t have the luxury of choosing whether or not to work. I don’t get to have a maid and a nanny. Owen’s not going to be able to take lessons and be an overscheduled kid. He doesn’t get organic food. He gets off-brand diapers and hand-me-down toys.
I’ve been thinking about the Blogher second-day panel called Mommyblogging Is A Radical act, which Sweetney and Finslippy will be presenting. I’m ready to put aside micropersonal issues and focus on the personal as political — my daily life as a middle-class American woman, and what I can expect and what I can demand of my government and my national culture.
I am ready to mobilize, y’all. I am ready to scream, to march in the streets. I am ready, also, to stage a mass letter-writing campaign, to go straight to my elected officials and hold them accountable. It’s sick that many of us — most of us? — don’t have the time to wade through the maze of local and federal government bullshit, but it’s time to go Town Hall on their asses. Momsrising.org is on the right track, but we need more than be covered respectfully in the mainstream media. We need real, concrete, life-changing help. Living wages. Affordable healthcare. Quality and affordable child care. Systems of support. A national culture of support, one that says children are not punishment for a woman having sex for pleasure, but rather something we all have a stake in. Before we abandon Roe V Wade altogether, we need to strengthen sex-ed programs, not just for horny high-schoolers but for adults, too. Simple and accessible birth control. RU-486. The Morning After Pill. And a culture that for fuck’s sake doesn’t pin the worth of a woman on how much she weighs or whether she’s a fucking sexkitten.
What we are told as girls certainly has not matched with the way we have found real life to be, with the way we feel lost and stranded at sea with no one to rely on but ourselves. No one will listen, no one cares — well, fuck that shit. Let’s stand up. Let’s eat that twinkie. Let’s demand what is rightfully ours — a nation that supports us, not one that gives good lip service and expects us to do the same.
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20 Responses to ““Not buying what you’re selling” feminism”
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Oh hey you guys, it's me, Supa. Things I enjoy: talking on my bananaphone, being a nerd, writing, sewing, writing about sewing, giving my husband high-fives, playing Nintendo with my kids, playing with technological gadgetry, knitting, and reading decorating books. Did I write down nachos? Add that in there.
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May 4th, 2006 @ 11:28 am
I’m glad you wrote this.
These days, girl’s have been robbed of being able to even voice their strain of all the pressure put on us. We’re told that things for women are just great now and if you encounter a problem, it’s not because our world is corrupt, it’s because we did something wrong and that’s the consequence. An aqquaintance of mine was telling me about the “hardcore” scene the other day and mentioned that at shows “Equal Rights, Equal Fights” is the mantra. Girls are allowed into the hardcore scene only if they are okay with the intiating beating they recieve in the mosh pit. If a girl was to get hurt, she wouldn’t be able to say anything about it because hell, she wants the same rights as a guy right? And something about this just didn’t sit well.
Reply to thisIt seems that now and days, we arent’ able to ask for help. We made a fuss about getting the same rights as guys and if we find our selves in a mess, whether it be with guys or school or work, we’re not allowed to complaine or even ask for help. “It’s what we asked for”
I dont know. I can’t really articulate what I want to say and I see that this post became a blog in itself. I just wasnted to say I totally agree with you sis, I’m feeling the brunt of it all now without haveing any children and I’m glad you wrote what you did.
May 4th, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
I can’t say i’m glad it resonated — that means that it’s true, there is a problem, this toxic culture really is affecting people and that is frightening — but i am glad you wrote.
I wrote you an e-mail just now going into more detail. look for it.
Reply to thisMay 4th, 2006 @ 1:43 pm
Testify, sista, TESTIFY! I am very very proud of you for “putting aside micropersonal issues”- I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to do that if it were me in that situation- thanks for inspiring me to work on my maturity…
Oh, and, I just ate some ice cream in the middle of the day for no other reason THAN I FUCKING WANT TO. Take THAT, establishment!
Reply to thisMay 4th, 2006 @ 1:49 pm
HVM wrote:
STICK IT TO THE MAN!! WOO HOO!
I love personal empowerment, ESPECIALLY when it means I get to have ice cream. Mmmm, empowerment ice cream … *drool*
Seriously, making ourselves happy and enjoying pleasures like that really is revolutionary these days.
Reply to thisMay 4th, 2006 @ 2:24 pm
Right on!
if you’ve gazed upon my blog, it’s riddled with Political complaining about the state of the american middle class under this current administration.
It’s time to start taking back our lives. If 500,000 people can come to DC because they’re angry over proposed immigration laws, why can’t a million middle class americans get angry enough to come down and tell their leaders they don’t want to take it anymore? Why can’t we organize ourselves into a community of women who can lean on eachother for support when it comes to childcare, schooling, neighborhood issues, carpooling when gas is too high? Why don’t we get together and tell BG$E that we aren’t standing for their antics and force our legislature to call thats pecial session?
what is our problems?
So many women I know are mezmerized by “American Idol” or “perez Hilton’s celebrity gossip blog” They sigh heavily when I ask about how their electric bills are effecting them, or if they’ve decided to get rid of the huge SUV that is now costing them over 100$ a week to fill up. They yeild to their husbands on matters of finacial security and scurry to Arundel Mills Mall to shop at Neiman’s “Last call”, maxing out the credit card they just paid off with that last refiance.
In short, they just don’t get it. They all seem to have a false sense of security as they get stuck in a cycle of paying bills with credit cards and taking equity loans to pay off the high balances. All teh while they chatter incessantly about designer purses and shoes….
I need to find a new set of friends!
anyway, I’m mad as hell! My daughter is going to have to foot this bill and I don’t want her to have to deal with the mess our country and economy has become. I’m rasing a girl in a culture that preys upon womens insecurities, making them vunerable to toxic choices of ultra consumerism, eating disorders, domestic violence and an poor job outlook. Frankly, I don’t want her to face such a world.
Now that we all recognize what is wrong, how about we start getting people together, rasing awareness about the things we middle americans are facing. I’ll show them a “Mommy war”
Reply to thisMay 4th, 2006 @ 4:15 pm
I love that threat at the end, Lori.
Seriously, I’m still a great believer in the democratic process. It’s a beginning, at least, to start asking for Congress to rethink the tax situation and the war in Iraq. And we can always try to make changes around us and within our social networks — y’know, that whole grassroots thing.
Reply to thisMay 5th, 2006 @ 11:48 am
I think what make me the saddest about all of this is how utterly unempowered I feel. I really feel that even if we did organize, march, demand - nothing would actually happen. That makes me so sad.
Reply to thisMay 5th, 2006 @ 12:16 pm
i think i’m going to get yelled at for this… but i have to say that i don’t agree with you. i can’t see why any of it is america’s fault. is it america’s fault for giving you false expectations of what you thought life would be? it’s our culture, not the government that tells you to shave, suck it in, have it all and be perfect. the government couldn’t care less if you decided to quit grooming and wear second hand clothes, or if you won the lottery and wore peals and prada to the grocery store. all the government wants is taxes.
while i’m sure you’re thinking, taxes is part of the problem, i think you’ve contradicted yourself. you want government support. well, that costs money that people do not want to pay. you’re stuck in a catch 22 - pay taxes to get services, or have services cut to save money? what is important to you?
you can demand - but it comes at a price. everything has a price. that is the way america works.
you stated that “We believe we have made choices and must accept the consequences — I “chose” to get pregnant, to keep the baby, to buy a house, to get married, to work part-time — therefore I deserve skyrocketing housing prices, tax rates, health-care costs.”
you have to admit - that you did chose to buy a house. you could have bought a trailer, you could have moved in with family, you could be renting. but - the cost of buying that house and that land is taxes. the cost of good schooling for your children is paying for school levys.
if you were to go to congress and march in the mall at washington - what exactly would you be demanding? congress makes laws - not culture. you want a certain level of living, you have to pay for it. you have a right to life and the persuit of happiness. i think one of the main problems with today’s culture is that everything is consumerism. we are a very materialistic nation. i know people who are still going out and buying SUVs even though they know the cost of gas. but they still feel that they have a right to complain when they burn up twice as much gas as more economical vechicles and don’t take any blame for helping shorten the gas supply. that doesn’t make sense to me.
i guess my overall philosophy is that people need to take care of themselves and not rely on the government to do it for them. self-accountability is what will get you through.
i’m done. you can yell and rant and rave back now…
Reply to thisMay 5th, 2006 @ 12:44 pm
amy, i understand what you’re feeling. and i kind of feel that too. it’s heartbreaking.
LL#2 — your reply is awesome. First, I should have made a better distinction between American CULTURE (=toxic, materialistic, etc) and American GOVERNMENT (tax cuts for the wealthy, diminishing returns for taxes I pay, expensive war in Iraq instead of domestic programs).
I am more than willing to pay taxes if they are 1. fairly collected and 2. collected to pay for things that will benefit americans. I understand that if a nation cuts taxes, then it must therefore cut spending. I am OK with increased taxes if it means increased spending on programs that are necessary and important to a majority of Americans.
As this is a democracy, I am well within my right to say that I don’t feel taxes are very fair right now and that I don’t want my tax money paying for young soldiers to go make a mess in Iraq in a war started on false pretenses. I would like my taxes, instead, to go to increased teacher salaries, better infrastructure, daycare regulation, maybe even utility regulation, and programs for the poor and working-poor. Oh, and national healthcare. If I am going to pay the government, i think the government should take that money and spend it soberly and seriously and in the interest of the multitudes.
I could have bought a trailer. But then I would have had a two-hour commute, and you know gas prices. I could have moved in with family. But we have none within 400 miles. We chose to buy, because buying in the long run is a better economic choice for people than renting. We chose to move here, because here is where the jobs are.
I think Iain and I are two of the most self-sufficient people we know. We put ourselves through school on full scholarships, graduated with high honors, found decent jobs, got married, bought a house. Completely without the aid of the government until this year, when we got a tax deduction for Owen.
Part of my problem is with the american culture. but part of my problem is also with the government as it crosses american culture. People are feeling like the rich are getting richer (and they are trying to keep up) and Joe Schmoe is getting screwed .. but that there is Absolutely Nothing we can do about it. Instead of serving the people, the people feel they are serving the government, and the only ones winning are legislators, lobbyists, and big business.
Reply to thisMay 5th, 2006 @ 3:11 pm
Why are taxes looked upon as a bad thing? The government taxes so that it can provide a basic infrastructure to its people. These include:
Public transportaion
Public roads
Public schools (this means DECENT pay for teachers and better schools)
Public parks
public ultities (INCLUDING ELECTRICITY)
I also wouldn’t mind paying more tax if my dollars were reinvested into things like alternative energy sources and affordable health care options, work study programs and options for free college
Extreme capitalism doesn’t work, just like extreme socialism doesn’t work. With both systems, you get a class of people who are ultimately disenfrachised. Capitalism forces those who are poor no option to change, while extreme socialism allows for a class of laziness and sloth to emerge at the expense of others. In both systems, the class that is overworked is the middle class.
Reply to thisMay 7th, 2006 @ 1:26 am
That was a powerful statement, but I’d like to think these issues are not just women’s issues. I think part of the problem is that society still approaches some of these problems as one of gender rather than that of class and politics. As you correctly noted, there are some mothers who have concerns about getting the right nanny and others who need to make ends meet. I would think that the hard-working Mom has as much in common with the hard-working Dad as she does with the woman interested in abstract gender issues. This is not to denigrate the importance of modern feminism, but acknowledging that politics crosses across gender lines.
Reply to thisMay 7th, 2006 @ 3:56 pm
As usual MB, you have put into words what has been in my head…you are awsome. But I’d also like to add this comment about our Government (now this is not an original thought I am actually stealing this idea from an off Broadway show I saw a couple of weeks ago). The Government is all about supporting the rights of unborn children (i.e. anti-abortion) however what happens when these children are born and their parents are unable to support them there will be no medicaid, no assistance with housing. But doggone we saved a baby that a mother didn’t want. Does this make sense to anyone? Just thought I would throw that out. (BTW that idea is from the show “Bush is Bad” soundtrack well worth it and available on amazon.com song “The Culture of Life)
Reply to thisMay 7th, 2006 @ 7:24 pm
Neil wrote:
Neil, I do get your point. And I think a lot of people think the same thing. But sometimes what might seem like “abstract gender issues” are actually concrete life issues.
Hmmm. This post is a conflation of politics and feminism and indignation, and perhaps certain of the points I raise need to be addressed simply and individually rather than in one chunk.
Reply to thisMay 7th, 2006 @ 7:28 pm
Lori, I agree: we pay taxes in good faith, expecting the government to provide, in return, the above public services for us all. And when I criticize the government, I am not criticizing the many, the wage-earners, the Joes and Janes; I am aiming at the upper eschelons of Congress and the White House.
Jen: Oh, how I wish I could have seen that musical. That, and Avenue Q. Man, all the best theatrical satire is in New York. … (said the girl who never goes to local shows, so how the hell does she know).
And I think your point is perfect. There is quite a lot of fuss made over unborn children, but the already-born ones don’t seem to merit the same attention, at least from the Religious Right.
Reply to thisMay 8th, 2006 @ 12:27 pm
all th above being said - how often do you express your thoughts to your representative? how often do you follow what is being voted on unless it makes major headlines? bills are being presented every day on a variety of topics. i think the most important part of government is knowing what your representatives are doing. for anyone interested… check out congress.gov
if you don’t like what the government is doing, let your senators and representatives know, unstead of just talking to friends and family about it. anyone in Congress worth their salt will give you a reply, and even if they do not agree with your point of view, they will explain theirs.
Reply to thisMay 16th, 2006 @ 4:15 pm
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Reply to thisJune 1st, 2006 @ 10:40 pm
You have touched on issues that are always on my mind. I try to talk to other women about them and they look at me like I’ve lost my mind.
Until now, I was under the impression that “A Perfect Madness” was primarily about motherhood but clearly it encompasses much more.
Thank you for taking the time to write this amazing post.
I am SO with you.
Reply to thisJune 2nd, 2006 @ 3:54 am
count me in for the march!
Reply to thisJune 2nd, 2006 @ 1:29 pm
Excellent post.
I have a Canadian friend who opened my eyes to the way that American culture taints the rest of the world. Between that and reading “My Ishmael” I feel like I’m in this cultural purgatory. On a personal level I find it nearly impossible to leap away from all of these expectations and lifestyle ideals, but at the same time, I look aroudn and see how wrapped up in the expectations and ideals I am. I really do want to turn our culture on its head, letting everything that holds us back fall out and then start from scratch.
Reply to thisJune 2nd, 2006 @ 10:59 pm
Are you talking about that Daniel Quinn book, Stephanie? It’s a good’un.
I would like to start from scratch, too. I call do-over.
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