Mother’s lib (or, Everyone Works)

Just one more tidbit before I go: That whole “Mommy Wars” thing? Where the “working moms” hate the “stay-at-home” moms and vice versa? I knew that was a social construct, a media stand-by for slow news days and attention-grabbing headlines. But the point was brought home recently that something around 70% of mothers do some sort of part-time work, whether it’s one hour a week or one week a year or unpaid labor aside from housewifery or, in my case, 25 hours a week without benefits. Seventy percent! Or something close to that, I’m not looking it up right now!

Aside from the very wealthy (who are sure to have some kind of help, be it maid service or nannies or what have you) most moms, even ones who identify as stay-at-home, do some sort of work. And most working moms are not necessarily doing 50+ hours a week at a high-powered suit job. I could call myself a stay-at-home mom who does some office work, if I wanted to. I choose to call myself a working mom, because that’s what I feel like, and because I have gotten enough fucking grief about putting my child in day care that I am going to take that phrase, “working mom,” and reclaim the hell out of it.

Amalah recently quit her job, and commenters came absolutely out of the woodwork to laud her for making “the right choice” and staying at home. Even though, technically, she’s not a “stay at home-er,” because she’s got one or two free-lance gigs lined up, making her a work-at-homer. But the sheer dichotomy of thought about working, and about the “relief” so many of us dream of when we think about staying at home with our kids versus the stress of having to manage work plus family life — well, it’s all bullshit, don’t you think? Especially when you’re by yourself with virtually no social support network.

Part (OK, all) of what makes working stressful for me is child care. I love my job. I love designing newspapers and I love working in publishing, have done since I was 14. It’s been my life’s dream to be a part of producing a publication intended for mass consumption. But my job does not allow me to work from home, nor does it subsidize child care of any kind. And my mortgage does not allow me to stay home. And my heart will not allow me to raise my child in an apartment or a rowhouse.

So I work. And I pay two hundred and fifteen dollars every week for owen to get four and a half hours of care, four days a week.

But like I said before, if he gets sick — I’m screwed. My neighbors are octogenarians, except for the 40-year-old guy a few houses down who seems to have a drinking problem. No one on the block has young children. No one at my office has young children (that I know of. OK, maybe this one guy. But they’re at least grade-school age). None of my friends are within a five mile radius, and even if they did, they have children and/or jobs as well.

I have virtually no social support network. None.

Which is why we’re moving. Raising a family is certainly survivable this way. We’re not perishing or anything. But the specter of disaster is constantly hovering over my shoulder, and if shit hits the fan, I want to live in a close-knit place with many different kinds of support. I want to know my grocer. I want my son to have kids to play with aside from his day-care buddies. I want to be able to chat with my neighbors about gas prices without them mistaking today for 1961. I want Owen to play out in the backyard without hearing Forty-Year-Old Alcoholic yelling belligerantly about “Fucking Whores and Catholics and Spics.”

The biggest lesson I’ve learned so far, in my 15-month mothering career, is that to expect a person to do this alone is homicidal. I’m dead grateful that I have a job right now, that I have the Internet, that I have a library card. But I keep thinking how much richer my life would be if I had a woman next door with a toddler; if I had my mother in law two streets over to tell me how to launder vomit out of denim; if I had a neighbor girl I trusted wholeheartedly to babysit a few times a month.

The problem, in my opinion, is not working vs non-working, it’s all of us moms together expecting ourselves to do everything “perfectly” and not expecting or demanding society at large to give us a fucking hand already.

April 29, 2006 | Filed Under motherhood, politics

Comments

9 Responses to “Mother’s lib (or, Everyone Works)”

Ada on April 30th, 2006 1:01 am

no fucking shit
really, I am well over the “if you wanted to stay at home, you would find a way” crap though too.

i really pissed someone off last weekend by saying i didn’t want to stay home. a tleast, i think i pissed her off. perhaps she just feels sorry for me - or franklin. whatever the case, i got a “tsk tsk” to my face.

i had a strong feeling that i wasn’t a sahm before we had franklin and quite frankly (hee hee), i didn’t think there was anything to the debate. however, if franklin wasn’t able to handle care, we would have had to make some pretty huge decisions.

like you, we are finding that doing it without support is ludicrious. we are making plans to move to a town with family and young families who don’t come from old money and hire nannies while they fund-raise for the art gallery.
i suppose I could stay at home too, but also like you, i don’t want to support my family on home art and hertiage seeds sold at the corner farmers market. i’m too nervous to do that.

so we are working and going to school, but if somethere were to go wrong… well, moving to the town we are aiming at will happen a lot faster - except that i will be working at the grocer store and dickson will be mowing lawns in order to make rent. we will also be living in my parent’s basement.

we need jobs, man.
where are the small town jobs?
mom on April 30th, 2006 3:40 pm

Having been a stay at home mom all of Your life, I can offer two possible sources of support- belonging to a church of your choice, and when he gets older, the moms of his classmates, who you can meet by volunteering at the school or at open houses, etc. Joining a story time group for his age group may be another way to go, but usually that is at age 2.Of course, you could always move nearer to YOUR mom……
Mama C-ta on April 30th, 2006 3:43 pm

Hells yeah. It’s so true though. As a SAHM though I never felt like people think I’m “doing the right thing.” All I heard was how it’s in the kids best interest to be in day care so they interact w/other kids. My family supports our decision but when I was pregnant I was constantly warned how much damage I’d do to Cricket if I stayed home. I think people just generally want others to feel like shit regardless of what the situation is. And it sucks.

I do have a beef, what’s wrong w/raising a kid in a row house Kidding, I frequently wish we could afford to move to a single family so Cricket wouldn’t wonder what the fuzzy green stuff coming out of the ground is! although I do want him to grow up in a city…see can’t win. Stay home or work, suburbs or city. Gah!
HVM on April 30th, 2006 3:48 pm

Book Club: will you have childcare? Heh…
Support: please call. I am here for you, man. I think I may be 5.2 miles away or so, but this is Smalltimore- it ain’t that far.

Seriously, I would much rather do a babysitting co-op than a book club. I like reading as much as the next guy, but having a date with that guy I married that involved leaving the house AT THE SAME TIME TOGETHER would be pretty amazing…
supa on April 30th, 2006 5:23 pm

@ada: Most definitely. I hear you on All that shit. And seriously, your question is so right: Where ARE all the small town jobs? That’s what’s wrong with America today. And Canada. Good luck to you guys, you know you have my empathy.

@mom: You make some very good points. And yes, I will come closer to you. You make a darned good grandmother, and Owen misses you a lot. And by then he’ll be old enough for storytime or classmates! I win all around.

@Mama C-ta, that’s awesome that your fam is on board. And who could possibly think that you’re harming Cricket? I know how you get him out to activities and stuff (even if you didn’t, there’s no way you’d be harming that beautiful little kid). And I totally would make an exception for your rowhouse … in fact, it was a decision we made (to live in a SFH) before we really had seen any apts or rowhouses. If I had it to do again I would definitely leave those as a possibility.

@HVM: I think I need your number! Seriously, any time you and the man want to go out on a date, let me know. I’d love to watch the tykes and Owen would love the company! (And then you guys could be alone together!)
Max on May 3rd, 2006 9:35 pm

Great post. I’m a mom who works from home and sends her kid off to daycare. He’s the one with the commuter mug and the briefcase, albeit filled with animal crackers and toddler wipes. Kind of an odd situation, but it works for us. I think that is what matters: whatever works for your family is the best choice and no one else should judge.

That said, I’m a huge advocate for telecommuting and wish more companies supported it, as well as more flexible/part-time schedules. I’ve been really fortunate to have supportive managers and wish this option were more widely available for parents and in general. Life’s too short to toil in a cube all day and then spend 5-10 hours a week commuting!
supa on May 3rd, 2006 10:54 pm

I think telecommuting sounds pretty close to perfect, as long as I had someone to watch Owen. He’s still too young to play by himself for very long.

My company has been grand, continues to be grand, with accomodating working parents. They’re quite family-friendly. But the fact remains that Owen needs care while I’m working, and with us living without family nearby, I have to pay out the nose for childcare.

Your situation sounds awesome! I’m always happy to hear how other people combine work and family life, especially when they’ve found a way that makes them happy!
sweetney on May 4th, 2006 3:20 pm

i hope ya’ll find a good, close-knit community that’s supportive… it is hard to raise a kid in a city OR suburb these days for that matter; both tend toward anonymity and isolation.

clearly though, baltimore will be poorer for losing you.
supa on May 4th, 2006 4:17 pm

I wish we had only researched this neighborhood a little more thoroughly before we bought. But that damned Baltimore housing bubble … we did what thought we had to do.

Baltimore might not miss me much, but I’ll definitely miss it. I do love this town. It’s just a tough fit for us without family nearby.