‘So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called’

Ah, names. I’m so screwed.

So Julia Roberts and I were on about the same timetable for our pregnancies, which made me stupidly fascinated by hers. I’ve been surreptitiously watching the wires so when she finally had the tykes, I had to know “what she named them”:http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzz_log/entry/2004/11/30/0400/.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think Phinnaeus and Hazel are weird? It’s not like she named them, oh, I dunno, “Prince Michael and Fifi Trixabelle”:http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A20962-2004Nov29.html. In fact, Hazel would be on our short list if we were having a girl. [Damn you, Julia, for beating me to the punch].

I like Phinnaeus, too, though I would pick a slightly different spelling. I’m all about the old-timey names. But knowing my luck, everyone else will be on the old-timey-name bandwagon by the time Beaner is born, having backlashed against “all the parental cruelty”:http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/ that is so au courant, and I’ll be pissed.

So a nice, plain, boring name it shall be. Once we think of it.

But even that may not get us off the hook. When he’s a teenager [may God help me, one day I’ll have a teenaged son. Jesus Christ.] he may decide to “weird it up himself(snopes.com)”:http://www.snopes.com/racial/language/names.htm.

bq. In April 1994 Peter Eastman Jr. changed his name to Trout Fishing In America. The 17-year-old from Santa Barbara figured it would be cool to name himself after a book he liked. Rumor has it he goes by “Trout”.

No relation, by the way.

I swear. How did millions of people before us deal with all the pressure? Is there a baby-naming service I can call? Or should I just call him Wolf Blitzer Eastman “like I planned”:http://www.supamb.com/supafine/archives//000258.php?

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